I’m currently on my “screw the world” kick.
I can’t be bothered with being bothered.
I’m not in high school anymore. I shouldn’t feel the need to “try” and be accepting in front of others. Since I live in Korea, where people move back and forth every other day, it can be hard to make friends. But that shouldn’t matter. I’m 23, impressing irrelevant people socially should not have been a priority of mine. And I’m not saying that became a priority of mine in 2012… it just felt like I was bending over backward for people more than I normally would have. I wasn’t looking for more appreciation or recognition when I did it, I just didn’t want to do it.
In an effort to be less confrontational, I spent 2012 being more “accepting” of the situations around me. This included not yelling at people directly when I was Head Instructor, barely saying “NO” to dumb requests, and “being there” way too much. I consider myself a private person in that I prefer to spend 70% of my free time by myself. I like roaming the streets on my own time & not being obligated to meet up with people. Where did being less confrontational get me? Nowhere. So many fuck-ups happened most likely because people knew they weren’t going to get fired for it (and because they were naturally lazy douchebags who insist they know everything). I found that being way too helpful was tiring. It was all for a show, for someone else’s benefit. I didn’t even know most of these people, so I’m pretty sure they never did and never will give a shit about me. And that’s okay, because I could really care less about how witty they think they are. Chances are, if you describe yourself as “witty”, you probably are not.
What I’m getting at is that I’m over it. Saying “NO” needs to happen more on my behalf. I can’t be bending over backwards to impress other people’s friends. I feel like the only people I need to impress are myself and those who are capable of giving me a raise (hahhh!). So, this year, I’m going have more “me” time. I really don’t want to meet new people. I don’t want to be helpful. I don’t want to seem too reliable. After all, I honestly believe that most people only talk to me when they need help with something. And it’s my fault for pretending like I care 🙂
So here I am, clearing my head as I sit on my couch (in America!) and shoving my face with chicken and waffles-flavored potato chips. I write these rants about how I plan to change my life for the better. Chances are, I will go through the same things once again. It’s all one big cycle.